yesterdayeth

I arose to warm cloudless skies at the usual 5:45 and prepared myself for the many tasks of the day. A hot shower, brushing of teeth, and donning of the days garments commenced. This was followed by an early departure from the warm comfort of my castle. See, neither my breakfast nor my middays meal were prepared prior to departure, so a stop at the local Safeway was in order. A bran muffin and cobb salad were purchased and I was on my way to work.

I arrived at my place of employment to a half empty lot, no doubt due to abundant leave use caused by the midweek festivities. Work consisted of a fairly pleasant 8 hour day, the only coil being informed that my presence was required for 24 hours more during the weekend. After work I returned to my castle and informed my mistress of the change in my weekend plans. My information was met with unexpected ire.

Sandra: "We had plans for morrow. You were supposed to take the kids to Cody's birthday breakfast in the morning and we have the Sounders game at 8."

Me: "This is true your most gracious majesty, but just last weekend thou spoke of me volunteering to work weekends, even if it conflicted with any conquests we may have had planned."

Sandra: "Aye, but we have tickets already for the game."

Me: "The game is at 8 and I will be off work by 6, no later. I checked the boat schedule and a 6:45 vessel is available which would allow me to make it to Seattle prior to commencement of the game. Plus I figured we could use the money earned this weekend to strengthen the walls that bound our land."

Sandra: "We can build a fence later my King. But whatever, let's go enjoy the Summer's air before the day is done."

With that we were off to the Field of Lions in East Bremcester. The bikes of our children were loaded in my coach, as the children and rode in the Queen's coach. We were greeted at the Field of Lions by the Maples clan. A few hours of soccer, bike riding, and feasting were followed by a planned trip to watch the Kitsap Pumas soccer game. The only problem was that I had not been gifted this knowledge. We packed up our belongings and left in our seperate coaches.

Shortly after my arrival back at my castle I was greeted by the remainder of my family. The smiling young faces of my children were a stark contrast to the rage that filled the face of my Queen.

Sandra: "Why did thou leavest the park so swiftly? We were trying to attract thine attention to make sure thou was headed to Bremcester Memorial Stadium for the Pumas game."

Me : "Expedience doth not depict my exit. I took two trips of stuff to thine coach, then walked over to my coach and put the bikes in the back before leaving. Besides, I thought we weren't going to the game."

Sandra: "No, thou ruttish fly-bitten knave, we agreed that we were to attend the game."

Me: "Your lips grow foul my sweetness. If the plan was agreed upon prior then wherefore the need for attracting my attention? Would I not have already been headed to Bremcester Stadium? Anyways, better three hours too late than a minute too soon."

Sandra: "Whatever, we can't going now. I'm going to taketh a bath."

Me: "All apologies my dearest Sandra, but men are men; the best sometimes forget. I shall instead go to the store and fetch food for our children's fish......and get some other crap. Fare thee well."

And so I traveled back to the withering lands of East Bremcester with 3 locations on my agenda, first being the pet store for more fish food. Upon locating the fish food I was met with more options than reasonably should be expected when buying betta food. As I reached for the first bottle a ghost appeared (there's always a bloody ghost) and said the following:

"Be careful of the food you choose,
or two more fish are yours to lose.
The future of your fish is bleak,
Lest worms of blood are what you seek."

So I grabbed some regular food and some blood worms, bought them, and then headed to Lowe's.

At Lowe's my trip consisted solely of scoping out new stairs to reach my castle's tower (attic ladders). After a quick examination I left Lowe's and headed for the most heinous, attrocious of all places, Wal-Mart. As usual, I was greeted with the expected wayward smile and squeaky cart for my goods. I gathered my required items in a timely manner in effort to reduce time spent in this bastard of a store. It was then that I was poisoned by an anger unmatched, born from totteringly long checkout lines.

Me: "Pray pardon me thou mountain of mad flesh, I demand these lines speed up at once."

Cashier: "Halt your tongue thou villainous whey-face and wait your turn".

Me: "You are a woman, and yet your beard forbids me to interpret that you are so. Nonetheless woman, I shall patiently grant your request."

And so after what seemed a fortnight I finally was able to complete my purchase and returned home to my family, already in their beds. I fed the fish and put away the goods I had bought. I then retired to my bedroom where my Queen was still lying awake.

Me: "Thou art my muse, inspiration for mine every breath and bringer of laughter and song unto mine heart, an angel fair gracing me with the divine light of the heavens. All days are nights to see till I see thee, and nights bright days when dreams do show thee me."

Sandra: "Shutup and go to sleep."

This was inspired by a book I recently finished titled Fool by Christopher Moore. It is basically a comedic twist on Shakespeare's King Lear, only from the perspective of the King's jester, Pocket (the Fool).

Just to make sure nobody ends up yelling at me for recommending this book, here is the author's description of it: "This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!”

Consider thee duly warned.